20050629

Shadow of a hundred birds

Passed by some friends' place earlier. I wanted to say hi to them but i figured they're probably still asleep, so i decided just to go straight home.

On my way, i felt a bit tired. Probably because of the heat or the lack of sleep. Save those times when i was as drunk as how the dogs with bouncing heads on a dashboard of a car speeding on a raod that has a thousand patches of asphalt and a few forgotten holes instead of a flat surface of concrete seem to be and the time when i felt like a chocolate bar melting slowly inside a microwave oven that's been set to cook pop corn 'cause i took one too many antibiotics, i haven't had any decent sleep for weeks or even months. It's hard to tell time when some things that are supposed to be moving slow are going fast and some things that are supposed to move fast are slowing down. Not just to the point when they reach equal speed, but up to the point when you'll think you're in a topsy-turvy world. I think i'm delusional from all those voices singing in my head. Why won't they listen to me? Why won't they stop?

If you could create an image in your head with what i've written, then you probably have an idea of how i feel right now. There are lots of ways to describe it. A clock ticking without moving. A rotating fan that you could see and hear clearly, but w/o even a lite breeze blowing at you.

I just realized how i feel earlier this morning while walking towards that overpass in Philcoa. Shadows of dozens of birds passed by on the pavement in front of me. I looked up, and just when i thought i was about to feel awe, a horrid thing happened. Somebody was killing those birds -- it seems with a slingshot and some rocks. I tried looking around to stop the person who was doing this, then i realized i was staring at a bird with one eye, holding a stone with my left hand, putting it on some rubber that's attached to a Y-shaped wooden stick that i was holding with my right hand. I felt like the pockets of my pants get deeper and it felt like it was getting heavier -- being filled with rocks. I knew it wasn't real. I saw the birds fly behind the building when i raised my head to see them. I don't even know how that slingshot looked like. It was just like a dream when you somehow recognize certain things, but don't really see then.

Stunned, I tried to ignore it and start walking. I did manage to put one foot in front of the other, and continue walking. However, the thought of what i imagined crept thru my body, filling me with what i must have felt had that really happened. I realized that i've had that feeling the whole time. It's what's been keeping me up even when i lie still in bed with my eyes closed for several hours. Before, tho, i never really knew how i feel -- there were just these sensations of my heart speeding up, my body turning numb and my tears welling up from my eyes like tea pouring forth from a cup that's still being filled even when the saucer is full.

20050617

the.scene (ep 9)

The latest release of The Scene really got me. Esp when drosan talked to griffin who turned up to be someone who knows luckychi. It's probably teflon or someone who knows about the whole Asian Mafia thingie.

20050615

Ten Stitchezes

A funny feeling
A million fingers pinching
Unceasingly, one after another
A pace so fast it's almost simultaneous

Nothing so unpleasant
But not something i'd prefer living with
Life ends where our body does
But our thoughts can last longer than our hair

The body keeps our memories
A thousand thoughts the mind refuses to keep
Scars and joints constantly in pain
Pain induced by the coldness

A weird smile that can't be wiped off
A scream that made my heart beat fast
Fast as a hundred galloping horses
Tears that made me freeze up
So sad that it kept my mouth glued together

Nose bleeding from the heat
Infuriating -- face got red
Muscles in pain from the drug
Ten stitches showing defeat
A defeat that never ends

20050612

[Smokin Popes] Need You Around

If I could see into your heart
Then would I know just where to start?
Because I'm lost and I need to be found
Crazy as it sounds
I need you around

If I could stand to be on my own
Then I would probably just leave you alone
But I'm gonna feel this way till I'm six feet underground
Crazy as it sounds
I need you around

Turning, tossing and turning
My love is burning me down

If I could change one thing in this world
I'd change your mind and make you my girl
Because I'm lost and I need to be found
Crazy as it sounds
I need you around

I'm gonna feel this way till I'm six feet underground
Crazy as it sounds
I need you around

20050610

Hungry Bassist

A lowly bassist got off the bus with nothing but a shirt and a jacket to cover a valuable instrument. Because of this, the neck and the head are able to show the four knobs with only three strings. Two years ago, the first string was broken when the bassist was trying to learn how to pop a note from that string after the slap on the topmost string. It hasn't been replaced ever since. But this didn't stop it from playing music that's most beautiful to the bassist -- nevermind that some people heard it as nothing more than noise. It never occurred to this bassist that he should make music to present as a gift to the world. To this bassist, one's music should be a present for the self. The bassist opines that music should be appreciated by others only by coincidence. Selfish it might seem however, to someone deprived of an obsession, so is the rest of the world.

With just enough money to buy two cheap pieces in one of those small bakeries that's already closed, a three kilometer walk began. The bassist slips, and almost fell flat to the ground from a slippery slanting sidewalk. Even while falling down, the bass was prioritized and was raised to make sure it won't be the first one to hit the ground. This was inspite the fact that this bassist hasn't slept for almost three days, -- save the bus ride, -- hasn't had a decent meal for half a day, and has been longing for water for two hours.

However tired, sleepy, hungry or thirsty, the bassist still persisted to walk home on a seemingly endless path. The bass held on the right and bag clutched on the left, the bassist started to hallucinate. Visions of a beauty that can never be had rushed to the mind like cold water falling down a falls. It didn't come a straight stream tho. It came like packets on a Distributed Denial-Of-Service attack -- unceasingly coming from all directions.

Memories. A pretty smile. A face immitating a fish. A secret of some old conflict. A thirty minute barf. A view that one is only either fabulous or unfabulous. A futile eight-hour search for a gown. A startling scream that was caused by a bald head just a few inches from the door. A cute voice asking what movie it was again that has Gary Oldman in it. A tendency to overreact on little things. A habit of sleeping with at least one limb hanging off the bed. These, and some more, are all from a girl that has been in the bassist's mind for years.

20050608

Beat Crusaders: Follow Me

Follow me
Baby, I won't let you leave if you believe in me
And I always set you free from all those yesteryears
But you don't know how much
I got faith in you

I was staring at your shoulder shivering
In such a coldest summer breeze
Meanwhile I wonder why we're here
Look for the line between lover and friend
We'll be twisting ourselves again

I was standing at the corner on the street
Watching the wheels are turning free
Waiting to back up on my feet
Reading a line between night and day
I'll be twisting myself again

20050607

Harmony Breaks One Second

I went to Quiapo with Gerard yesterday to buy some cd's and dvd's. We had to leave at lunch time. As a result, i just had less than hour of sleep. But it's worth it cause i got a dvd of Paradise Lost's Evolve -- some compilation of their videos from their Harmony Breaks concert, their One Second Live gig and some other promo videos. I hope Anna likes it. I'm giving it to her she doesn't already have it. I don't really like videos.

20050606

"OOYA EGAM"

I've been teaching Andel, my baby cousin (our big rat) to say my name for some months now. I repeated "kuya eman" several times for him to immitate. Last month, i finally got an "oooooyah." At least he almost got the first part.

"Say my name, baby! Say my name!" i usually say. This morning he said, "ooya," then paused a bit and continued, "egam," fast like he's trying to bite a mosquito that's flying to his mouth. Not what i really wanted, but with a little debugging of his consonants, he'll eventually say my name right.

He did the sweetest thing tho. He walked to me with that cute little smile of his and handed me, with both his hands, a ceramic angel. He just got it from the living room display and i had to return it to its shelf, but it's still a nice gesture nonetheless.

Eventually, he'll learn to speak, then i'll tell him the difference between E and E minor on the guitar. After that, he'll learn how to configure a webserver to properly serve secure http (https) traffic. That's after i teach him all about the options found in Apache's httpd.conf.

I'm talking nonsense again. Sorry for wasting your time.

20050603

The big rat's back

My cousins got here a few hours before sunrise. I can't believe our big rat still can't speak.

20050601

Audio Books are GREAT

I love Audiobooks. I'm listening to an English translation of Kafka's The Trial. Let me quote something from that audiobook:
"She held Kay apostrophe S hand..."
Another one:
"... he asked 'Where is the courtroom question mark'"